Hallelujah! I finally found a religion I can believe in! All these years of searching, and my quest is done. It's Punxsutawinism!
Each year on February 1, we have a pilgrimage. All the faithful come from near and far, gathering on that holiest day, streaming into the holy city of Punxsutawney. And finally, on our holiest day, Phil Day, drawn by His energy, His spirit, His infinite wisdom, we walk – some even crawl to show their devotion – to Gobbler's Knoll, to wait for the appearance of our savior, our guru, our messiah, Phil the Groundhog.
There is plenty to keep the faithful busy, speeches, games, food, and dance, and some of the faithful are distracted by these Earthly pleasures. And television, radio and newspaper reporters are there in abundance, sometimes recording our rapture, but more often they are there to make fun of us, to further the discrimination and persecution that we Punxutawinists face every day. But those of real faith ignore these distractions of the flesh, and shrug off the laughter and derision, because we know we are on the True Path, and the price of faith sometimes includes personal sacrifice and humiliation.
The journey, the cold, the temptations of the flesh, and the ridicule of the unenlightened are all forgotten on February 1. That magical moment, when Punxsutawney Phil finally appears to the faithful, makes it all worthwhile. He comes out, and a silence falls over the crowd. In His infinite wisdom, He tells us our future. Will it snow more? Will the clouds part and bring sunshine? Is winter over, or is the gloom going to carry on?
And then it's over, for another year. Ecstatic from those few moments in His presence, we faithful retreat to the bars and taverns, to our rooms and homes, and share our enlightenment with our faithful brethren. For we know that, while Punxsutawney Phil speaks only of the weather, that it is truly a metaphor for all things in life. War, poverty, disease, the economy ... we know that, if we can truly understand the meaning of His words, we will be very wise indeed.