So Sorry Your Dad Died – Too Bad He's Burning in Hell

Death is always sad, but it can bring out kind and comforting words from family and friends. These good wishes really do help us feel better. Whether it's a simple expression of sorrow, some shared tears, or an enlightening story, our friends' kind words help us accept death, cherish the memories, and get life going again.

Now it happens that most of my relatives and close friends aren't Christian. We're a broad assortment of Deists, pantheists, paganists, agnostics and atheists. There's hardly a Christian among us.

So what do Christians write in their condolences? "The peace of the Lord is on your father." Or, "Your mother is resting in Jesus' arms now."

I know they mean well. But if these Christians were true to their faith, they'd say, "So sorry that your loved one is now being tortured with

Santa Gets It and Jesus Doesn't ...

Santa has a cool live-and-let-live philosophy: my head can be full of all sorts of naughty thoughts as long as I only act on the nice thoughts. I've had plenty of nasty fantasies in my lifetime about what I'd like to do to certain people ... but I didn't carry them out and never would. I've also had lots of nice thoughts and actually done many nice things for lots of people.

In other words, he knows when you've been bad or good. Not when you've thought bad thoughts or thought good thoughts. It's what you do that counts.

So Santa Claus has always been good to me. It's our actions that make us truly moral or immoral citizens of this crazy world, and Santa rewards the people who are good.

What about Jesus Christ? According to Amy Henry's blog, The Flawed Theology of Naughty and Nice Lists, it doesn't much matter what you do. It's what you believe that matters. You can be angry, vengeful, hurtful, even murderous as long as you're truly sorry and ask Jesus for forgiveness.

Amy believes we should beware of Santa's naughty-or-nice philosophy. She thinks it sends kids the wrong message. What really matters, according to Amy, is what's in our hearts. What you actually do is far less important than what you believe.

"... thank God that He doesn’t separate us out into naughty and nice, but places us in one big category called ‘forgiven.’

And Amy isn't alone in this strange theory. It's what Christianity is all about, from the Pope himself down to the meekest shepherd tending goats. Christian morality isn't about what you do, it's about what you believe. If you fail to live up to Christian standards and hurt someone else, Jesus will forgive you. (Never mind that your victim might not feel that you deserve forgiveness.) No matter how awful your sin, and how many you hurt, you can be forgiven if you're truly sorry and believe that Jesus Christ is your savior.

In my book, Christian morality is fundamentally flawed. I'll take Santa Claus morality any day.

SNL - Tim Tebow meets Jesus

Hey readers, life has been keeping me far too busy and I wasn't able to blog last week. To fill the gap, here's a great little drama from Saturday Night Live: what would happen if Jesus really did come down to meet Jesus?

The funny part is that although it's actually full of truth, lots of Christians are complaining, include Faux News and Pat Robertson! Their reactions are almost as funny as the skit.

Enjoy!

They Found the Nails Used to Crucify Jesus!

Does anyone actually believe this stuff?

"Film claims discovery of nails from Jesus's cross"

Come on, people. This guy is going to lose his shirt on this film. Nobody could believe such baloney. Right?

But then I remembered that eBay auction that netted $28,000 for a ten-year-old grilled cheese sandwich with Jesus's image in the toast.

Sadly, nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the public, or overestimating their gullibility. And when it comes to images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary, religious people go crazy. They're starving for confirmation, for

Most Incredible Prophecy: Incredible Horse Hooey

I obtained a copy of The Most Incredible Prophecy via an inappropriate proselytizer – a doctor who forces it on her HMO patients! That's unethical, but I figured as long as I had the video it might make good blog material. So I sat down with my Coke and notepad for a good study ...

It's so bad I couldn't even watch it to the end. I hereby nominate the producers and writers to The Liar's Club. It's incredible all right. Incredibly bad science.

Hitchins on the Immorality of Jesus

One of my favorite topics is the idea that Jesus can forgive your sins. Even when I was a little kid, I couldn't figure this out ... if I hit you on the nose, some other guy can forgive me and make it OK? It just seems wrong. No, it's more than wrong, it's immoral. So why does Christianity have this at its core?

I've written about this before, but today I want to bring you a four-minute video by Christopher Hitchens, who explains this incredibly well. Click the "READ ON" link to see the video...

Mel Gibson: More Hypocrisy from the Master

Well, Mel Gibson has once again shown what a nutjob hypocrite he is. I don't know about you, but I try to live according to my own morals, to "practice what I preach." Not Mel Gibson. As a Catholic Traditionalist, Gibson is so right-wing he thinks the Pope is a fake! Yet, although Gibson is married, he just acknowledged that his girlfriend bore Gibson's eighth child, out of wedlock!

Normally I'd have no problem with that, but I hate hypocrisy, and Gibson is the guy who turned the whole Christian world on to the sick pleasures of sadomasochistic voyeurism, with his disgusting movie about Christ. (Even Catholics complain.) And Gibson once said his wife is going to Hell because she worships Christ in the Church of England rather than the "correct" Catholic Church.

I'm not sure why I'm wasting my time writing about the guy, it's more amusing than dangerous. He's such a nutjob nobody really takes him seriously. I guess it's just because hypocrisy is one of my hot buttons. I respect most religions, even though I don't agree with them, but I don't respect those who are all talk and no walk.

Julia Sweeney: Letting Go of God

The Atheist blogosphere tends to be a bit ... critical, maybe harsh, when talking about our religious brethren. We can forget just how comforting religion is, and how truly sad it is for a religious person who loses his or her faith. It really is like losing a loved one – maybe even worse. Because not only are they losing God, who most view like a father, they're also losing everyone they ever loved and lost, all over again. The solace of knowing that, in spite of death, you'll meet again some day, is very powerful.

Nobody says this better than Julia Sweeney. The former Saturday Night Live comedian, who has a wicked fun presence on stage, turned her journey from Catholicism to Atheism into one of the best stories ever told. Letting Go of God, her one-woman stage play, is funny, powerful, sad, poignant and yet uplifting and optimistic. It is the story of her attempt to rekindle her faith in God, which led her to really study the Bible, and for the first time in her life, to actually think about her faith.

If you've never heard Julia Sweeney's Letting Go of God, you can catch the first hilarious minutes on Ted.com:

Julia Sweeney: Letting Go of God (an excerpt)

If you like this, and I know you will, you can get the full soundtrack on Apple's iTunes – search for "Julia Sweeney." But there's a great excerpt, the core 15 minutes, on "This American Life: Godless America," with Ira Glass. I HIGHLY recommend this CD – it has several other brilliant interviews about separation of church and state in America.

Tags: god religion sweeney catholic christian atheist atheism jesus

Jesus and Elvis - Coincidence or Cosmic Plan???

Time for a holiday break, so how about a little fun?

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd.
ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.

JESUS was a carpenter.
ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.

JESUS was part of the Trinity.
ELVIS' very first band was a trio.

JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) [though may actually be September 23]
ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)

JESUS was the lamb of God.
ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.

JESUS was first and foremost the Son of God.
ELVIS first recorded with Sun Studios, performing what are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

JESUS' Father is everywhere.
ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)

JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights.
ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)

JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Matthew was one of JESUS' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of ELVIS' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

"[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)

JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)

Mary, an important woman in JESUS' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS' life, attended Immaculate Conception High School.

JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters.
ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if ELVIS' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

JESUS wore a crown of thorns.
ELVIS wore Royal Crown hair styler.

JESUS had his famous Resurrection.
ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land.
ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

Got this in an email in 1993. The author of this fantastic spoof is lost on the internet somewhere.

Tags: jesus elvis coincidence cosmic humor

Jesus in the Toilet?

I drive to Northern California regularly to visit my Mom, a long, tedious 450-mile drive. Last week while making this trip, I discovered Jesus in the Toilets.

The first rest stop along the way, I noticed a little religious pamphlet sitting in the toilet stall floor, with a drawing of Jesus on the cover. I figured someone had dropped it. The next stop, there was a different one, this time on the sink. When I saw yet a third pamphlet in the restroom of a gas station, I thought, "Wait a second, this isn't a coincidence!" So I collected the pamphlets from the last two stops that I made, to document this new phenomenon.

This first one is pretty horrifying. It is the worst sort of Christian mythology and fear-mongering, a cartoon that explains, in language and images aimed at semi-literate readers, how Satan aready owns our souls, and the only way to escape (next to an image of how God lets Satan inflict horrifying torture by burning us alive for eternity) is to believe in the Christian Gods, Yahweh and Jesus.

The second one is in Spanish, and although I can barely read the simplest Spanish, it's pretty clear that it's a traditional "The Kingdom of God is coming" tract. It's more upbeat than the first one, that's for sure.

Is this some new fad, leaving Jesus literature in restrooms all across California and the USA? The weird thing is that these were all different. If it had been a single tract ... ok, maybe some guy is on a campaign. But four different ones, in two languages? Is there some new secret Christian plot that's using restrooms to start a Christian revival?

Tags: jesus toilet restroom christian christianity atheist atheism

The Jesus Truck

There was a photo contest for religion billboards – here's my contribution. This one moves! I'm sure dozens of drivers have seen this and been instantly reformed and converted.

Seriously, do Christians really think a message like this, plastered on the back of a truck, will make any difference to anyone? IMHO, this is nothing more than egotism on the trucker's part: "Look, I'm holier than you! I'm the best Christian of all!"