Friday, May 20, 2011

So Long, It's Been Good to Know You!

Well, it's time to say goodbye. Tomorrow is the rapture, and I'm so scared of being left behind that I decided to abandon my sinful ways and give up my atheism.

I'm going to convert! I'm going to leave all my rational thinking behind and embrace faith. I'm going to be saved!

I finally realized that faith is better than science! Why have I been worshipping logical thought all these years? Just think ... if I'd waited another day the Rapture would have come and I'd be sitting here crying. Now I've seen the light, and I'm headed for Heaven!

You can do it too if you try! Just repeat after me...

I believe that there's a magical guy in the sky who created the whole universe in seven days, just a few thousand years ago. All those dinosaur bones and stuff are just there to confuse me! Who created God? I have no idea, but hey, I have faith so it doesn't matter!

I believe that in spite of being a pretty good guy all my life, working hard, raising a family and donating to charity, I'm an evil sinner! No matter what I do, I'm a bad guy. I was bad out of the gate, before I did anything bad, because some gal ate an apple way back when, and that was so evil that the evil makes me bad no matter what.

I believe that God tempted us with fun stuff but then told us not to do it, but gave us free will so that we'd have a choice, and when we did the bad stuff, he drowned the world. That didn't work because we kept doing bad stuff, so God made a virgin pregnant. Then God arranged for his son, who was really God himself, to be tortured and killed, and that made everything OK! He took the hit for all the bad stuff! But then because God's son was really God and God wanted his son, that is, himself, to sit by his side in Heaven, God's son came back to life, did some more preaching, and then God pulled his son/himself up to Heaven.

And I believe that only the folks who believe this story get to go to Heaven. All the people who don't buy this story, and all the people who grew up in the wrong part of the world and never got told this story, get to suck eggs. No Heaven for them!

So now the rapture is just hours away, and I'm not scared any more! All the earthquakes and lava and stuff won't matter. All I have to do is believe this story, and I'll be sucked up into Heaven just in the nick of time!
Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.
–Saint Augustine
Right on, Augustine! So it's goodbye to all you atheist sinners. It's been fun using all that logic and reason and science and stuff, but that's over now. We fooled ourselves into thinking we were pretty smart. But we forgot one thing: faith! I have it now. It's not too late for you!


  1. Ramen brother.

    Shit have I chosen the wrong god!?! Hell for me all becasue of my love of noodlie goodness.

  2. Oh you hencefoth with such a good argument i might just be persua...oh no, wait, no i'm still agnostic.

    Paople will say anything to sell a book :/

  3. I hope those Family Radio guys have a very good excuse ready for tomorrow ! LOLLLLLL

  4. The thing that really gets me is the people who say, "That silly man should know that we eill not know the hour, nor the day, that it will come like a thief in the night." Two thousand years later and people seem to be MORE convinced. What a load of garbage.

  5. It's been a few days. Did you get raptured?


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